In the book “Yes, Please,” by Amy Poehler, she says “it takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been sorry for.” I think about this a lot and I’m happy to say the number of things I’m sorry for has dramatically declined in the past 5 years. I still see this sentiment echoed everywhere, though. Back in the day, I used to be sorry for what felt like everything. You bumped into me in the grocery store? “Oops, I’m sorry.” Giving feedback to an employee for something they did wrong? “Sorry, but I have to tell you this.” Amy Schumer even works it into a bit about women speaking at a conference. The list goes on and looking back, most of it was reflex. “Sorry, not sorry.” So what do we do about it if we are guilty of over-apologizing and undermining ourself in the process?
Blame it on the Patriarchy
It helps to understand where this even comes from and how it originated, in order to tackle the problem. “But Cathy, is it really a problem?” Yes! It’s a problem because it undermines the power and confidence of women. Oddly, it also undermines apologies in general. Even “sorry, not sorry,” is a subversive take on the long held tradition of being sorry for just existing, as a womxn. As a side note, I’m here for the “sorry, not sorry.” It’s an example of women taking their power back in small and subtle ways and shout-out to all the teenage girls for leading the way with language!
Stephen Hinshaw, PhD writes about how girls are expected to confirm to an impossible set of standards, in his book, The Triple Bind. In short, blame it on the Patriarchy. In his book, he discusses the constantly shifting target women face, in order to conform. From a young age, girls are rewarded and reinforced with the message “be sweet,” or “be a good young lady.” Conversely, boys are rewarded and reinforced with behavior that demonstrates their assertiveness or self-confidence. Girls and women are continuously reminded in subtle and not so subtle ways when they stray from gender stereotypes. The poem “Be a Lady, They Said,” by Camille Rainville, made famous by actress Cynthia Nixon, is a great example of the triple bind.
Back in 2010, researchers Karina Schumann and Michael Ross published a study about the idea that women and men apologize equally. The conclusion was that women are more sensitive to what defines “offensive behaviors,” hence they apologize more for their perceived “offenses.” Thus, negating the idea that men apologize less because of their “fragile egos.” However, even if it is true that women have a lower threshold for what constitutes offensive (or inconsiderate) behavior, the study completely misses the point that women are largely enculturated this way. This didn’t just come out of nowhere, but thanks for the study, Karina and Mike. It completely ignores how women are constantly trained to be considerate of others, before honoring their own needs and boundaries.
Why we still need conformity
Unfortunately, society has not evolved enough to allow for non-conformity on a broad scale, so sorry persists. In many cases, it’s the only way women get their needs met. Sarah Cooper made a career on this very topic with her early cartoons and book called “How to be Successful Without Hurting Men’s Feelings.” While the book is satire, it more closely resembles a play-by-play of a day in the life for women in business, and especially Tech. If you are not familiar with Sarah’s work, I cannot recommend it enough! She will have you peeing your pants or pissed off as hell. Either way, it feels like a win. It addresses the “sorry’s” and “excuse me’s,” we wield, merely to be heard on the daily.
The issue is doubly challenging because the context women exist within constantly changes, requiring us to be masters of code-switching. This doesn’t even account for the extra labor women of color face, forced to code-switch in exponentially more complex ways.
It’s our heritage
Sloane Crosley, Op-Ed Contributor for the New York Times said it best when she said: “[Sorry’s] a Trojan horse for genuine annoyance, a tactic left over from centuries of having to couch basic demands in palatable packages in order to get what we want. All that exhausting maneuvering is the etiquette equivalent of a vestigial tail.” Even Taylor Swift, the worldwide musical powerhouse isn’t immune from the sorry curse. She speaks to it in the documentary about her life called, “Taylor Swift: Miss Americana.” During an interview she speaks about her learning journey around misogyny when this happens:
“Sorry, that was a real soap box,” Swift said, before catching herself.
“Why did I say sorry? Ugh, ” she follows up.
“It’s because we’re trained to say sorry,” Director, Lana Wilson can be heard saying off-screen. “Yeah, we legitimately are,” agreed Taylor, emphatically.
For centuries, women have been trained to be quiet, small, and take up less space, regardless of what we contribute. While this is slowly changing and evolving, it’s a hard habit to break. Especially, when our parents, government, teachers, and care givers learned the same lessons. We need a major pattern disrupt to get it out of our system and off the curriculum of life. In other words, it’s time to cut off that stupid tail. The good news is that there is hope!
Sorry, not sorry
It’s already shifting and we see it in meme culture. Sorry has been passive-aggressive for a long time, but now we celebrate the subversive use of “sorry, not sorry.” This is a great step in the right direction for being less apologetic for living, but we can do more. I remember when I first started my healing journey, I was constantly sorry when I went to a restaurant for “inconveniencing” the servers and kitchen. I’m putting inconvenience in quotes, because that was my perceived offense. I worried about inconveniencing my friends, partners and even strangers. Needless to say, I used to spend a lot of time about being sorry for taking care of my health.
Eventually, I learned that I don’t have to be sorry for taking care of my health. After all, it was crystal clear that nobody else would, so I had to care for me, unapologetically! I quit being sorry when someone put my health at risk. Now, when I go to a restaurant, I create immediate connection and partnership with whomever is serving me. “Hi there, I have some food allergies and I will need some help navigating the menu. Can you help me?” This was a change from “I’m sorry but I have food allergies and need your help.” Notice the difference? The first creates agency and agreement with the other person and puts them in a position of power to be of service. It’s very different from the helpless sounding second option, which hands over all your power.
Skipping the sorry
Are you a sorry addict or perhaps Canadian? I’m kidding about being Canadian. It’s an homage to a dear friend and someone who loosely inspired this article. She is Canadian and when I called her out for apologizing for things needing no apology, her reply was always “give me a break! I’m Canadian.” There is no shortage of articles on what to do instead of saying sorry, and I’m not talking about the “girl boss,” bullshit. (I think the girl boss movement actually hurts, rather than helps women, but that’s another conversation.) Here are a few questions to ponder on your journey to being less sorry for nothing:
- When and how do I use sorry in a request?
- How often to I use sorry to make myself heard?
- How do I lean on sorry at work versus at home?
- Am I using sorry when asking to meet my own needs? If so, what is that saying about the importance of getting my needs met?
- How does sorry affect the way I communicate?
- When I use sorry, does it help or hurt me?
- Who demonstrated using sorry in regular conversation, for me?
- When I use sorry, how does it serve me?
These are just a few ways to reflect on the role sorry plays in your own language. If you are sorry, not sorry, very often, it’s time to reflect. To be clear, there is nothing wrong with saying sorry, but are you using it in a way that serves you? Perhaps you learned it because your workplace has one woman and you are trying to navigate a sea of testosterone. Or, perhaps this is the first time you even considered it and need some time to reflect.
Sorry and Wellness
One final reflection. What does sorry has to do with wellness? It may not seem related, but it actually speaks to our needs, as womxn. As a health and wellness coach, I regularly see this with clients. Clients visit their doctors and apologize for their symptoms, lack of treatment compliance, or having questions about treatment plans. However, what “sorry” obfuscates are important patient questions or their needs for additional support. Going to the doctor is scary enough, but feeling like a burden when asking for help about your own health, is violent.
It is my firm belief that patients nor clients need to apologize for needing help nor support. A doctor’s office is the one place you need to feel safe to ask questions and collaborate. If your doctor isn’t creating a safe environment for you, it may be time to find a new doctor. After all, doctors are humans too, and nobody is infallible. You wouldn’t continue to date someone that wasn’t invested in you as a partner, so why keep seeing a doctor who isn’t truly invested in your health, as a patient?
Sorry is not a dirty word
Sorry isn’t a dirty word, AND it’s also time to rethink the role it plays in our day-to-day communication. There is a time and place for sorry as well as an opportunity to keep growing and evolving the way we communicate. It’s challenging to break old habits, regardless if it’s our diets or the language we use. Do you have old habits that are no longer serving you but need some help adapting? Let’s chat! Book a complimentary breakthrough session today and learn more about how Pomona Wellness may support your health journey! Until then, find lots more Wellspiration on the Pomona Blog. In the meantime, wishing you abundant health and limitless joy!
P.S. By the way, sorry, not sorry.