Recently, I was talking with a friend about resistance and desire and how one informs the other one. I had never really thought about this, but the idea is resistance helps us refine our desires. It informs how we move through the world in states of flow versus stagnation. With true desire, there is no resistance, so I the question I pose is what do you desire and where is the resistance?
The relationship between resistance and desire
At first glance, they may not sound related at all, but stick with me. I saw a TikTok recently and the young woman said “I want to be the kind of rich where I don’t have to set an alarm.” It reminded me of this concept because her desire is to not set an alarm to wake up in the morning, but the resistance is the money to sustain her life. She didn’t say she didn’t want to work, just to work at her leisure, when she wakes up. Granted, this is a complex example that takes multiple things into consideration. So let’s simplify it. Say for example you desire to have pancakes for breakfast tomorrow. The resistance arrives in the form of not wanting to cook, wake up early and so forth. With so much resistance, the pancakes are less desirable. However, if you reframe it as “I want my partner to make me pancakes tomorrow,” or “I want pancakes to magically show up at my door,” the desire becomes more concrete. Then we can start exploring the points of resistance.
By removing the areas of resistance, in this case cooking or getting up earlier, you gain clarity on what you really desire. You truly desire the delicious pancakes without the effort of making them or cleaning up afterwards. The solution becomes more apparent in this case. If you are coupled, you could ask your partner to do it for you. Or, you could pre-order pancakes from Waffle House to get delivered at 730AM. By identifying the resistance areas, you can whittle down to your core desire. You can apply this technique to anything in your life, too.
What you resist persists
There is a phrase that goes “what you resist persists.” When you continue resisting something, there is a lesson hidden in the discomfort. I like to think of it as another form of karma, but that’s for another post. Before the age of 40, for years, my Mom used to buy adorable little clothes and shoes for her “future granddaughter.” I would get really upset when Mom presented these things to me and I responded with “I don’t think the dog will wear that.” Unfortunately, it never landed and she kept doing it, regardless of how I felt about it. However, the resistance persisted because I wasn’t clear about what I wanted and needed. It wasn’t until I set a firm boundary with her that I wouldn’t have children and she needed to stop because it made me uncomfortable and dismissed my feelings. It took the resistance to her actions to get really clear on what I wanted and to use my words to communicate it to her. After that, it was no longer a problem and it stopped being a point of friction in our relationship.
Allowing resistance to inform desire
Our resistance to things constantly informs us of something. Sometimes our nervous system presents with resistance. This is our intuition telling us something is off or not right; the strongest form of resistance that says “stop” or “run.” Intuition is the resistance we can’t afford to ignore. Unfortunately, many of us, especially women, have been taught to turn this off. Whether from childhood trauma, people pleasing, or myriad other things that tell us we aren’t allowed to have needs, wants or desires. It’s a lifelong journey to turn the volume up on this again, but worth the energy. However, sometimes it is more subtle.
Occasionally, resistance can look like indecision. I remember experiencing this frequently when I would go shopping. What I eventually realized is that if I didn’t love something, I probably didn’t truly want or need it. In other words, when it comes to material goods, resistance informs me something is an impulse buy. Perhaps you are pondering a big relationship decision. Think about what you desire and then work backwards through the resistance. Imagine you are in a lukewarm relationship. You desire a relationship full of love and affection but you settle for less. Perhaps you tell yourself it’s good enough, but when you look at the reasons for staying, it informs you of what you really want. Maybe it’s security and stability versus great sex and respect, or a combination thereof. When you start looking at the reasons for staying, it helps uncover what you truly desire. Sometimes we want something much different that what we originally believed, after some reflection.
The art in resistance
The easiest way for me to think of the relationship between resistance and desire is like a sculpture. The final sculpture, or outcome, is your true desire. Everything you chip or scrape away represents the resistance. Only the beautiful sculpture remains after removing the excess material. The object of your desire and the piece you truly wanted to create. This final piece represents your desire in its’ most perfect expression. Your pièce de résistance, if you will. When we focus on what we want to create or curate, removing the excess pieces becomes easier. If we apply this to daily life, the question becomes, what are we trying to create. What kind of life do we want to curate? Are there things that need to be removed or added? What tools do you need to create that next work of art?
This is a constant practice that requires presence, reflection and self awareness. It requires us slowing down to notice our feelings and where we feel resistance or discomfort. What is the discomfort trying to say? If you aren’t sure where to start, we can help. Book a free discovery session and let us help you dig into the resistance to see what works of art you may be missing. Until then, find lots of inspiring content on Wellspiration, the Pomona Wellness blog, where we cover everything from mental health to self care and nutrition. Wishing you abundant health and limitless joy!