Health and Wellness goes beyond the plate. One of the biggest factors in our personal wellness is the health of our relationships. This extends to all relationships, including personal and professional. In navigating my own personal relationships, one of the things I realized was the importance of dumb things. Sure, boundaries and clear communications are great, but have you ever had anyone respect the “dumb things” that are important to you?
The Serious Things Matter, too
It goes without saying that the big things matter in creating and sustaining healthy relationships. Things like communication, respect, compassion and boundaries. I could write a book on how many serious things matter in relationships. This does not diminish the importance of the big and serious things. However, the little things often turn into big things and there is nothing as sweet as someone remembering those details.
The mole hill becomes a mountain
When my partner moved and I first moved in together, we had “the” conversation. We talked about how we like to keep our homes, what is important to each of us, and what are our deal breakers for sharing a space. I know from the ghosts of relationships past that what you tolerate can eventually become a powder keg, if not attended. The things that used to be small can grow over time and become huge things, without care and feeding. You often hear therapists talk about how couples fight over the dishes, but it’s never about the dishes. It’s what the dishes represent.
Preventing mountains
I love those velvet flocked hangers that prevent my clothes from falling off. Are they a total pain in the ass to hang and remove your clothes? You betcha! However, I appreciate their quiet elegance and how they truly hang on to my clothes. (Pun intended) When I was a kid, we had a mix of thin and thick plastic hangers in all colors. We had rubber covered wire hangers and stray department store hangers, too. My hangers were a blend of child and adult sized and frankly, I resented those pieces of plastic and metal, mocking me from my closet rack. When I grew up, all my hangers would match, dammit.
I have arrived
I knew I had “arrived” when I went to the store and spent a silly amount of money to replace all of my hangers. It was such a privileged and opulent thing to do, but I was determined. I created an “adult” closet with matchy-matchy velvet flocked hangers, where my clothes would no longer jump to the floor in a dusty tantrum. It’s a silly thing, but I really appreciated how my closet looked and how organized it felt. I no longer felt like the kid with a disorganized closet, lacking any rhyme or reason. It took me a bit, but I finally realized the hangers represented so much more than just hangers.
Idiosyncrasy or dumb thing – You decide
Call them idiosyncrasies if you like, but to me, these are “important dumb things.” When my partner and I decided to share a home, we had to organize the closet. Naturally, we had to have “the talk.” He didn’t have a love affair with his hangers like I did, but it was clear he hated the velvet monsters holding his clothes hostage. This was after I purchased enough hangers to replace his multi-colored hangers, too. My logical and design approach of how these look and fit better wasn’t landing, so I had to change tactics. Finally I said to him, “Look. This is a dumb thing, but it’s an important dumb thing, to me. I’m sure you have them too, but if you can give me my important dumb hangers, then I will honor your important dumb thing.” Thankfully, his quick release plastic buddies weren’t equally important. Even better, I didn’t need to explain the back story or justify anything. It was enough for me to say “look, I get it’s silly to you and I agree it’s silly, but it’s still important to me. Let me have this important dumb thing.”
Flatten those mountains
The therapists, comedians and your friends are right. It’s not about the dishes or the dumb things. It never is, but it’s important to know your “dumb things,” and communicate those to your people. Maybe for your manager, having the right color coding on a spreadsheet is important because it demonstrates attention to detail and shows you care. More importantly, it might help them feel seen. For others, it is leaving the toilet seat all the way down. The dumb things may be small for us, but they represent something much greater to the other person. The small things aren’t any less important because they are small, and they can quickly become big, if left unchecked. Chances are, if something is dumb to you, it doesn’t take much effort and caring for the tiny things can make all the difference. Even acknowledging the dumb things is a step in the right direction.
Dumb things at home
When my partner and I run into conversations about these things, we will ask each other, “is this an important dumb thing?” If the answer is yes, we know that it is our job to support them with their dumb thing, because our time is coming. It’s part of getting to know others and understanding what is important to them. It’s an opportunity to get curious about them and their values. You can say things like “I can see this is really important to you. Can you tell me more about what makes it important and special for you?” You never know what they may say and sometimes, something as simple as asking the question can be a healing balm. After all, who doesn’t want to feel seen and listened to?
Dumb things in the office
As mentioned before, dumb things extend beyond the home. After all, this is not Severance and we don’t leave our personalities and true selves at the door. One of my important dumb things in the office was being able to message someone quickly and say “got a sec?” Most often, I needed to ask a question that I was too lazy to type or needed a quick fact check. I realize this is a very generational thing, but it works for me. My brain see this as the in-office equivalent of popping your head over a wall and saying, “hey, do you know about this thing?”
When I started with my last company, I told my managers that I liked to do this often, but I committed that I would give them a reason I wanted to chat, so it didn’t create the fight or flight stress response, via chat. It made it a much easier pill to swallow when they understand why I liked the technique and once they understood how I used it, it was mostly a non-issue. Does it absolve me of the Gen Z sin? Probably not, but we all have our important dumb stuff, after all.
So what are your important dumb things? I would love to know about the little things that make you tick. Are you having trouble how to communicate this to those around you? Let’s chat because we may be able to help. Also, check out our Wellspiration blog for more insights on everything from health, nutrition, to self-care.