Liz and Mollie cartoons are the best because they so easily illustrate or capture complex topics into delightful illustrations. I didn’t even know what boundaries were until about six or seven years ago, but they have since changed my life. Whether you have no idea what boundaries look like or are a seasoned pro, there is something for everyone.
No boundaries for me
Boundaries? People won’t like me or they will be mad at me if I have a “boundary.” I had all the typical reasons for why I couldn’t have boundaries. Then, slowly I started creating them and all the usual suspects lined up, as well. “Why don’t you care about me,” or “boundaries are mean,” or “you aren’t a team player.” The funny thing is that all the stories you hear about boundaries are true! What’s also true is how people adjust and the interpersonal relationships that don’t, fall away. The secret here is that the interpersonal relationships that disappear are better for your health because those folks only benefitted from you not having boundaries in the first place. It was never about you, it was always about them and how you could serve their needs.
Boundaries are beautiful
Learning boundaries is not easy. If they are foreign language to you, you are not alone. Boundaries seem to be all the buzz lately, but for good reason. We are experiencing a mental health crisis right now. Coming off a global pandemic and years of lockdowns, a violent political atmosphere and burning planet, it’s no wonder people are struggling. Capitalistic demands at work and the unceasing pace to make more money and produce, it’s no wonder people are tired. Boundaries may be one of the best tools for relieving some of our stress. They aren’t a quick fix, but they are almost always a sure thing for personal well-being. They allow us to put care for ourselves first. Put on your oxygen mask first, if you will.
Creating boundaries
Creating boundaries requires you to look at your own needs and wants. When we don’t have boundaries, we fall into the pattern of people pleasing. Sure, people around us may be happy, but we often feel depleted and spent. Have you ever said to yourself, “nobody cares as much as me,” or “I’m the only one that does any work?” These are hints that you may need some boundaries. When this pattern continues, it often leads to burn out and resentment.
Many worry people won’t like us when we create new boundaries. The truth is, they may not, or people may take them personally or feel hurt. However, we must look at our own wants and needs in order to create healthy boundaries. Think about the “compromises” only you make or the things that you “don’t really care about.” Ask yourself if you don’t care because you truly don’t care or because it’s easier to say yes to keep the peace? These may be places to create new boundaries.
The places you put yourself at risk or harm are absolutely ripe for creating boundaries. For example, I can’t be in direct sun for too long or I will get a migraine. Therefore, when I go hiking with others, one of my boundaries is that we can’t be in direct sun for more than an hour or two or we need to chose a different hiking spot. This way, I don’t put myself at risk and I can always take the next hike or we can leave at 6AM to avoid the blazing sun.
Putting boundaries into action
Boundaries don’t have to be big or complicated. They look like saying you don’t want to watch violent movies after a hard day at work. It could be not watching the news if you are feeling sensitive. Boundaries are telling your kids you will read two books before bed, instead of three, so you can read your own goodnight story. Small boundaries are wonderful because they help you build the muscle to create bigger and healthier boundaries down the road. The small things are often the difference between your health and happiness versus frustration and resentment. I like to think of boundaries as tiny little love letters or hugs to ourselves.
Part of the issue people have with boundaries is framing them. Instead of them being something we “do” to other people, explaining to others we create them for our own health changes the conversation. For example, bringing your own food to an event where you won’t be able to eat the food is a boundary about taking care of yourself. Instead of saying “you don’t have anything for me to eat,” it becomes “I brought some allergy friendly food to eat so nobody has to stress.” The boundary becomes only eating food that serves your body, versus eating something that will make you sick, to keep people happy. Another way of thinking about boundaries is determining where the line is for something that will harm you versus help you. You get to choose what form harm takes in your life, when it comes to health and well-being.
Creating better boundaries
Start small and with a caring counterpart that only wants the best for you. Perhaps tell them you are starting to explore boundaries so they won’t be hurt or offended. Perhaps your sister keeps bringing up when you did that drunken karaoke rendition of Dancing Queen with coworkers. You could say, “I no longer want to talk about that incident because it brings up a lot of bad feelings. If you want to talk about that, I’m going to politely leave the conversation. I would appreciate it if you never brought it up again because I don’t like being teased.” If they are loving and understanding, they will respect your wishes and let it go. If they don’t, well, that’s another blog post.
Do you need help creating better boundaries and want to learn more? Setup a breakthrough session with us to learn more about how coaching may help you! Also, check out “Wellspiration,” the Pomona Wellness blog for more insights around nutrition, mental health, relationships and more! Wishing you abundant health and limitless joy!